I had someone recently say to me that they thought I was drifting away from my quest. I have not.
I had my first therapy appointment this week. Since I have had many years of "things" that I need to deal with and get off my chest so to speak, I made this commitment to meet with someone for a while on a weekly basis. It is amazing to me how much the one appointment helped me. I am really looking forward to cleansing my soul and getting this out in the open with my therapist. That night I was even able to have a conversation with my husband and convey to him, once more, that it is over with, and that I need to go on with my life, without him, and that I no longer am in love with him. I told him he needed to go on with his life and get himself straightened out. So far, it seems to have gone well.
So, back to my quest. I have started to work out again, (thank you Jana) I shall continue to go to the gym, I need to get back into my daily workout schedule as I was not so long ago. I miss monsieur treadmill, and I am confident that he misses me too. Nothing like having a man to step all over.
And so see my friend, I have not drifted.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Monday, July 18, 2005
Still in a slump
I am still in my slump. I know it will be over soon. We got the house all taken care of, where we lived prior to my move to my apartment. That has been a big stress that has been hanging over me for some time. There was still this connection that I had with Ron, that was going to stay until we got the house situation settled. I felt like once that was over with there was chapter in my life that would finally be closed. Now I need to deal with other issues. He wont let go and keeps thinking that I am just going through some sort of phase. I know he expects me to tell him to "come home". I wont do that, I have made up my mind and need to go on with my life. And because of the type of person that I am, or have been my whole life, I don't know how to say it to him. I do have a counselor that I will be meeting with tomorrow and I am hoping that I will get the guidance that I need. I do feel like I get stronger and stronger all of the time, but I just want all of this to be over with, so I can go on with my new life.
Poem of the day~
Who am I? I don't think I ever have known
The part of me that died, has now for ever flown
So as I start this venture of self discovery
I will continue on this path to find out who is me
Poem of the day~
Who am I? I don't think I ever have known
The part of me that died, has now for ever flown
So as I start this venture of self discovery
I will continue on this path to find out who is me
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Slump
I have fallen into the slump again. I have not worked out in about a week. I have every intention of doing it, but as Adolph pointed out in his posting this morning, unlike him, I have been able to make those excuses why I cant go in the morning. I shall return.
Poems of the day~
Funny you should feel
That I may not be true
Is it because of guilt
That is coming just from you
Do you come with me to work
Just so you can see
If I have a secret lover
Just waiting there for me
Do you call me all the time
And interrupt my flow
Hoping that your catch me
Out and on the go
Funny your intent
You may feel is the way
Is causing me to wonder
Maybe I should stray
But now I'm on my own
rebuilding my new life
no longer will I worry
of unhappiness or strife
And as the time goes on
The scars away they'll fade
And proud I will become
of the new life that I've made
Poems of the day~
Funny you should feel
That I may not be true
Is it because of guilt
That is coming just from you
Do you come with me to work
Just so you can see
If I have a secret lover
Just waiting there for me
Do you call me all the time
And interrupt my flow
Hoping that your catch me
Out and on the go
Funny your intent
You may feel is the way
Is causing me to wonder
Maybe I should stray
But now I'm on my own
rebuilding my new life
no longer will I worry
of unhappiness or strife
And as the time goes on
The scars away they'll fade
And proud I will become
of the new life that I've made
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Signs
The decisions that I have made recently were very difficult, and took a long time to make. There have been some very interesting things that have happened to me along the way. I call them signs. Signs telling me that I have made the right choices. Some of these are very small, and if I had not been in tune with what was going on around me, I would have missed them. Some of them so obvious that they gave me chills. I have to see all of these signs as something positive, as they appear to be.
I was speaking with a good friend this morning who years ago was in a very similar situation as mine. She said that there were walls all around her, that when she made the desion to leave, these walls all seemed to tumble down and she was able to find her way to happiness, as I seem to be doing.
Poems of the Day~
Many of these poems that I am going to be posting, have been written pre my decision to leave. It is interesting for me to read them now, knowing what I was going through at the time, and knowing how my mind was telling me that there was no way out. I would like to post the pre poems, and I will write another verse, or another poem following it, with a newer outlook.
Living in a Cage~
My life resides within this cage
Though beautiful it may seem
Sometimes I look outside these bars
And close my eyes and dream
Is there a life outside of this
Do I wish to be free?
How can I be so selfish
And think only of me
So in this cage I do live
Forever, it may seem
Sometimes I look outside these bars
And close my eyes and dream
But these bars I have just broken
And venture out I must
The freedom that I've chosen
Is right, I now can trust
The road that I now travel
I know, it may be long
But the new life that I have chosen
I know, cannot be wrong.
Til Tomorrow, fellow Bloggers!
I was speaking with a good friend this morning who years ago was in a very similar situation as mine. She said that there were walls all around her, that when she made the desion to leave, these walls all seemed to tumble down and she was able to find her way to happiness, as I seem to be doing.
Poems of the Day~
Many of these poems that I am going to be posting, have been written pre my decision to leave. It is interesting for me to read them now, knowing what I was going through at the time, and knowing how my mind was telling me that there was no way out. I would like to post the pre poems, and I will write another verse, or another poem following it, with a newer outlook.
Living in a Cage~
My life resides within this cage
Though beautiful it may seem
Sometimes I look outside these bars
And close my eyes and dream
Is there a life outside of this
Do I wish to be free?
How can I be so selfish
And think only of me
So in this cage I do live
Forever, it may seem
Sometimes I look outside these bars
And close my eyes and dream
But these bars I have just broken
And venture out I must
The freedom that I've chosen
Is right, I now can trust
The road that I now travel
I know, it may be long
But the new life that I have chosen
I know, cannot be wrong.
Til Tomorrow, fellow Bloggers!
Monday, July 11, 2005
Poem
I just found out some awful news about a friend. This person's daughter is in the hospital and might not make it, she had a terrible accident over the weekend. I got to thinking about the complaining that I have done recently about my personal crap, and thought about how lucky I truly am. I just needed to post again to help me with some of the feelings that I am experiencing right now. So forgive me for posting again, but I needed to post a poem:
Complain, I really shouldn't
About the problems I may have
I really should be grateful
And be thankful I’m alive
One tends to take for granted
The lives that we all lead
And don’t think of those around us
That maybe they do grieve
meo~7/11/05
Complain, I really shouldn't
About the problems I may have
I really should be grateful
And be thankful I’m alive
One tends to take for granted
The lives that we all lead
And don’t think of those around us
That maybe they do grieve
meo~7/11/05
Changes
As I was reading Amy's posting over the weekend, I realized how many of us in the "tribe" are going through changes in our lives. Some of us have moved to different homes, and some of us are also going through personal changes. Interesting.
Lyrics~
Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wildA million dead-end streets
andEvery time I thought I’d got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face meBut I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesDon’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesJust gonna have to be a different man
Time may change meBut I can’t trace time
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But stil the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesDon’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesWhere’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I’m going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesOh, look out you rock ’n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change meBut I can’t trace time
I said that time may change meBut I can’t trace time~David Bowie
Lyrics~
Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wildA million dead-end streets
andEvery time I thought I’d got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face meBut I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesDon’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesJust gonna have to be a different man
Time may change meBut I can’t trace time
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But stil the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesDon’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesWhere’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I’m going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changesOh, look out you rock ’n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change meBut I can’t trace time
I said that time may change meBut I can’t trace time~David Bowie
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Poem of the Day
I am creating this life that's new
It feels so free, life without you
It took so long to break this chain
No longer bound I've much to gain
Though letting go is hard for you
The idle threats, the words arent new
Ive heard and felt them most my life
While living with you as your wife
But as Ive said Im stronger now
I can face the challenges, this I vow
So on I shall go to begin anew
My life shall be free without you
meo 7/6/05
It feels so free, life without you
It took so long to break this chain
No longer bound I've much to gain
Though letting go is hard for you
The idle threats, the words arent new
Ive heard and felt them most my life
While living with you as your wife
But as Ive said Im stronger now
I can face the challenges, this I vow
So on I shall go to begin anew
My life shall be free without you
meo 7/6/05
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Well into it, Again
Since my daughter and I have joined the new athletic club, a hop skip and a jump from our new digs, we have been really utilizing it.
I have been there about 5 times in the past week that we have joined, so I am not doing that badly either. One incentive for us too, is that if we come in at least 8 times in the first 30 days we get a $50 gift card each, that includes Andrew too! So that is pretty exciting. What shall I use mine for, decisions decisions, maybe something at the Spa.
I personally like getting there really early in the morning and getting ready for work afterwards. Since they provide everything you can possibly think of, from shampoo & conditioner, to body soap, towels and everything else I could possibly need to get ready. Plus getting a workout in that early in the morning kind of gets my day going and I feel pretty energized.
Andrew loves it there too, which is an added bonus. He calls it is "other day care".
We met the athletic director there recently for a "meet and greet". Just so that we could ask any questions, and so she could tell us some of the highlights of the club. One of the things that we learned too is that they offer every possible class you can think of, and if they don't have it, you can ask and they will do their best to accommodate you. Jess is really interested in the kickboxing classes, those sound interesting to me too. I will also stick to my water aerobics and yoga. There are some other classes I may try too. For now, it is exciting and fun again to be back in the groove so to speak.
I look forward to stepping up my workout and getting ready for that big Mardi Gras event that is in our futures. I also may walk in the Donor Dash in Denver on the 16th, if anyone would care to join me!
I have been there about 5 times in the past week that we have joined, so I am not doing that badly either. One incentive for us too, is that if we come in at least 8 times in the first 30 days we get a $50 gift card each, that includes Andrew too! So that is pretty exciting. What shall I use mine for, decisions decisions, maybe something at the Spa.
I personally like getting there really early in the morning and getting ready for work afterwards. Since they provide everything you can possibly think of, from shampoo & conditioner, to body soap, towels and everything else I could possibly need to get ready. Plus getting a workout in that early in the morning kind of gets my day going and I feel pretty energized.
Andrew loves it there too, which is an added bonus. He calls it is "other day care".
We met the athletic director there recently for a "meet and greet". Just so that we could ask any questions, and so she could tell us some of the highlights of the club. One of the things that we learned too is that they offer every possible class you can think of, and if they don't have it, you can ask and they will do their best to accommodate you. Jess is really interested in the kickboxing classes, those sound interesting to me too. I will also stick to my water aerobics and yoga. There are some other classes I may try too. For now, it is exciting and fun again to be back in the groove so to speak.
I look forward to stepping up my workout and getting ready for that big Mardi Gras event that is in our futures. I also may walk in the Donor Dash in Denver on the 16th, if anyone would care to join me!
Friday, July 01, 2005
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Good Morning
I am on track again.
This morning, got up late. Got up at 5:00 AM, got to the gym at 5:30 and walked another 2 miles on Monsieur Treadmill II, the neighbor of the one I was on last night. Watched the morning news on my TV.
After my workout and my shower, I stopped at the cafe in the gym, got my morning coffee and off to work I went. Sigh~
Tonight I shall drink
This morning, got up late. Got up at 5:00 AM, got to the gym at 5:30 and walked another 2 miles on Monsieur Treadmill II, the neighbor of the one I was on last night. Watched the morning news on my TV.
After my workout and my shower, I stopped at the cafe in the gym, got my morning coffee and off to work I went. Sigh~
Tonight I shall drink
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Starting Again
Well I am getting back to my workout routine.
Jess, Andrew and I joined the Lakeshore Athletic Club, which is walking distance from our apartment. It is just way too cool for words.
I met a new treadmill, his name isn't Mr. Treadmill, it is Monsieur Treadmill, thank you very much. And while I was treading on him, I tuned into channel 9 news on my personal television set and listened to the news. Occasionally I would gaze at the gorgeous bodies outside, playing in one of the 2 outside pools. Every once in a while I would see one of the children sliding down the water slide. This new life of mine is going to be hard. I decided to quit at 2 miles.
Last night Jess and I attended a wine tasting dinner in the clubhouse. A pair of single women we are. I had to make sure and point out that I was mom and this was my daughter, just so there is no confusion that we may be a lesbian couple. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
And as we left last night, we toasted to our new lease on life.
Jess, Andrew and I joined the Lakeshore Athletic Club, which is walking distance from our apartment. It is just way too cool for words.
I met a new treadmill, his name isn't Mr. Treadmill, it is Monsieur Treadmill, thank you very much. And while I was treading on him, I tuned into channel 9 news on my personal television set and listened to the news. Occasionally I would gaze at the gorgeous bodies outside, playing in one of the 2 outside pools. Every once in a while I would see one of the children sliding down the water slide. This new life of mine is going to be hard. I decided to quit at 2 miles.
Last night Jess and I attended a wine tasting dinner in the clubhouse. A pair of single women we are. I had to make sure and point out that I was mom and this was my daughter, just so there is no confusion that we may be a lesbian couple. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
And as we left last night, we toasted to our new lease on life.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
For My Friend-Sunshine
Sunshine
I am here for you
to help you through the pain
I will hold your hand
your strength you will regain
I know that it seems hopeless
The pain it seems too strong
Please let me help and guide you
Friendship's cant be wrong
We both know what your weakness is
Control it you must do
Others in your life
Depend so much on you
So concentrate on them
You know what needs to end
I promise that it will get better
and your heart it soon will mend
Sunshine
I am here for you
to help you through the pain
I will hold your hand
your strength you will regain
I know that it seems hopeless
The pain it seems too strong
Please let me help and guide you
Friendship's cant be wrong
We both know what your weakness is
Control it you must do
Others in your life
Depend so much on you
So concentrate on them
You know what needs to end
I promise that it will get better
and your heart it soon will mend
Sunshine
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Reborn
Excited I start the day
anticipating what is ahead
arriving I feel it
the adrenalin rush
taking in my surroundings
the beauty of the day
I start my journey
the sun in my face
my friends surrounding me
the wind kissing my body
I feel new, feel fresh
I am reborn
Estes Park
anticipating what is ahead
arriving I feel it
the adrenalin rush
taking in my surroundings
the beauty of the day
I start my journey
the sun in my face
my friends surrounding me
the wind kissing my body
I feel new, feel fresh
I am reborn
Estes Park
Monday, June 20, 2005
Good Morning Friends
It was so nice to meet all of you, and spend a wonderful day together.
I was surprised at how well I did in the 5K. I kept my pace up throughout the whole walk, and could have gone longer. The altitude, which I was worried about, had no effect on me. I am so excited to do this again.
Thank you all so much for including me in this tribe of yours, you are all a great group and I look forward to spending more time together.
I was surprised at how well I did in the 5K. I kept my pace up throughout the whole walk, and could have gone longer. The altitude, which I was worried about, had no effect on me. I am so excited to do this again.
Thank you all so much for including me in this tribe of yours, you are all a great group and I look forward to spending more time together.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
I'm Back
Here I am again, trying to be faithful to my blog.
I am guilty of neglect. Although, I think I have an excuse as my life was falling apart and now I am back to start again.
I have also neglected my body and have not been working out regularly, my excuse for this is the same as my excuse for my blog. I am really looking forward to Estes Park this weekend. Even though I have not been faithful to my workouts, I wont let that get in my way for my walk this weekend.
I look forward to meeting all of you on Sunday, my friends, my blog family!
I am guilty of neglect. Although, I think I have an excuse as my life was falling apart and now I am back to start again.
I have also neglected my body and have not been working out regularly, my excuse for this is the same as my excuse for my blog. I am really looking forward to Estes Park this weekend. Even though I have not been faithful to my workouts, I wont let that get in my way for my walk this weekend.
I look forward to meeting all of you on Sunday, my friends, my blog family!
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Estes
I anticipate that I will not be able to put in quite as much of a workout as I usually do, in the coming days. So I will just be walking the 5K in Estes, versus the 10K that I originally wanted to do. I am looking forward to it, and looking forward to meeting those of you that I have not met.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Begin Again
My workout today, and tomorrow, will be moving into my new apartment. Thank goodness I switched apartments from the 4rth floor to the 1st floor.
I have spoken to my husband and it is going much better than expected so far. He is being very supportive at this point, but I know what to expect and I have become a very strong person and will deal with anything that comes my way. Actually I am very proud of the progress that I have made and how much stronger I have become. Allot of that has to do with the friends that you surround yourself with, and I know I have a great group of friends, including many of you.
A great friend of mine is getting a truck and will help me tomorrow afternoon with some of the big stuff. My daughter and I are using my truck tonight to take small stuff.
I am looking forward to my new beginning.
I have spoken to my husband and it is going much better than expected so far. He is being very supportive at this point, but I know what to expect and I have become a very strong person and will deal with anything that comes my way. Actually I am very proud of the progress that I have made and how much stronger I have become. Allot of that has to do with the friends that you surround yourself with, and I know I have a great group of friends, including many of you.
A great friend of mine is getting a truck and will help me tomorrow afternoon with some of the big stuff. My daughter and I are using my truck tonight to take small stuff.
I am looking forward to my new beginning.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Productive Weekend & New Beginnings
I had a pretty productive weekend.
I played racquetball twice, walked 2 miles on the treadmill and took a 2 mile walk with my daughter and grandson.
I am going to the Estes Park event in June after all, I cant let anyone tell me what I can and cant do, I am perfectly capable of making those decisions for myself, as of course I am my own person. Whether I do well or not, or even if I finish or not, is not my goal.
I even managed to squeeze in finding an apartment for myself, my daughter and grandson. I am looking forward to this new change in my life. I have never been on my own and am craving the solitude and peace that I know that I will find with my new life.
I played racquetball twice, walked 2 miles on the treadmill and took a 2 mile walk with my daughter and grandson.
I am going to the Estes Park event in June after all, I cant let anyone tell me what I can and cant do, I am perfectly capable of making those decisions for myself, as of course I am my own person. Whether I do well or not, or even if I finish or not, is not my goal.
I even managed to squeeze in finding an apartment for myself, my daughter and grandson. I am looking forward to this new change in my life. I have never been on my own and am craving the solitude and peace that I know that I will find with my new life.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Bear with me while I bitch
I am not having a great time handling all the stresses that keep being thrown at me. My subconcious is telling me "great job Molly, keep it up". I have my friends and co-workers telling me that they can see my progress, I am losing weight, looking better, my attitude is even apparently gotten lighter. I am enjoying life, that hasnt happened in a long time. Then I have the other part of my life, my significant other, telling me that I am bringing him down. I hear comments like, "you know you might as well not even do the Estes Park marathon. You wont be able to do well. You know, the altitude is different, there will be hills and the road will be what you are not used to." Thanks for the support honey. And, oh, Molly, the Estes Park thing is on Father's day, you truly dont intend on being there for that day??? My goodness, I will have ruined his day by attending this on the biggest day for him.
I had discussed these plans quite some time ago, both with my husband, and my parents, who will be here that weekend. I was going to go early to Estes, do get my packet of info, and do do the walk. My family would meet me there after the fact and we would spend a nice day in Estes Park. There is a really cool restaurant there that serves this awesome brunch. I wanted to take my dad there for fathers day, after all, it is his day too. But since I will be ruining my husbands fathers day, I guess I should re-think this, and not be so selfish.
I need to remain strong, keep up my work and not let things get me down so much. But it is so hard.
I had discussed these plans quite some time ago, both with my husband, and my parents, who will be here that weekend. I was going to go early to Estes, do get my packet of info, and do do the walk. My family would meet me there after the fact and we would spend a nice day in Estes Park. There is a really cool restaurant there that serves this awesome brunch. I wanted to take my dad there for fathers day, after all, it is his day too. But since I will be ruining my husbands fathers day, I guess I should re-think this, and not be so selfish.
I need to remain strong, keep up my work and not let things get me down so much. But it is so hard.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Roadblock
I have crashed head on into the roadblock of life.
As some of you may know we had a little health scare at home and most of the working out that I had been religiously doing every day just stopped. The health issue has been solved, and I will try to get back on track.
Keep me in your thoughts as I start again..
As some of you may know we had a little health scare at home and most of the working out that I had been religiously doing every day just stopped. The health issue has been solved, and I will try to get back on track.
Keep me in your thoughts as I start again..
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